What even is rest? It’s something I’m supposed to do , right?
Im a “go getter”. I’m a doer. I don’t know how to sit still. I struggle through silence. I can’t be in the house without music. Spending quality time with God is easily forgotten. I have multiple tabs open. When I’m cooking, I’m cleaning, eating and watching the latest episode of my favourite television show. Rest is a foreign concept , unless it’s on my to do list , like a chore. If you’re not like me, you definitely know someone like me, or at least you’ve heard of the ‘Energizer Bunny’? (If not, Google right now.)
About a year ago, I thought I should learn about rest. My body, mind and spirit were begging me to slow down, chill out and rest. Maybe you know the signs too. You feel exhausted. Even the things you love doing seem to be on the same difficulty and achievable level as climbing Mount Everest. You would rather stay in bed than see people, eat or even watch TV. Your face’s colour is fading to a light grey and the bags under your eyes are not designer. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t cry. You feel completely alone and lost. Shoulders, tense. Heart, aching. Mind, racing. This was how I felt two years ago.
I want to share with you what not to do in this situation: Move across the world to a city of 12 million people. Leave peachy beaches for the hustle and bustle.
Later Australia, hello london.
The next genius move I made, was to take on a job that required everything of me. By everything, I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and everything-ally. I wasn’t prepared for the job, I wasn’t even “rested” up, as close friends and family suggested I should have been. I felt absolutely drained. I was empty! Now rest was not just a good idea, I NEEDED rest. I needed to look after myself holistically to make it through the next day, if I wanted to do it well, or even to survive.
That job was teaching. That’s when I also started blogging , so if you’ve looked back you will see there has been a massive break between posts. Teaching got me good. It was the hardest, most challenging, fun, rewarding and exhausting jobs/ year of my life. I was the richest and poorest (financially and emotionally) I have ever been. It was 12 hour (sometimes longer) days and weekends. It was sleepless nights, classroom fights , memorable discussions with children , sowing in to their futures; even when they didn’t believe they had one. It was being brave and bold, discovering more of who I am and what I enjoy doing , what pushes my buttons. My heart was full of love for the children. There was tears of anger, joy and frustration. There was an amazing amount of support from family, friends and colleagues. (Without them, who knows where I would be now). I was getting to the end of my straw. I was becoming something I wasn’t, or someone I didn’t even want to be around. I felt like I was watching my life happen and I was just a wisp of air floating by. It was horrible. Before it got as bad as it did, I did actually attempt to “rest”. I tried to look after ME as so many people tell us to do. I had to, if I wanted to be able to face the day, let alone teach. I had to rest.
I added rest to my “to do” lists. I tried all different forms. I made sure I got large dosages of trips to hairdressers, painting nails, reading books, stretching , exercise , smoothies, green teas, deep breathing, swimming, dog patting, adult colouring books, seeing a counsellor, coffee dates, worship sessions, fluffy dressing gowns and socks, watching your favourite TV shows (Friends, New Girl and Parks & Recreation obviously) and even having time away from screens. This is rest, right? I’m looking after me, I’m chilling out, doing the things I like. This is what I thought it was, until even these things weren’t enough. I became worse off than I was before I moved to the big city! I didn’t feel myself anymore. I felt the bubbly, funny, and creative girl had lost her sparkle. I hated it, I even started hating me!
The Bible verses I had believed in, that were on my heart, became an argument with God rather than an agreement. “God! You said you would fill my vats to overflowing! Why do I feel so empty? You said if I draw near to you, you would draw near to me! Where are you? Why do I feel like this?” (See Proverbs 3:10 and James 4:8). The light at the end of the tunnel seemed to be diminishing. The fire was going out. My strength started fading even more, and I felt so weak. I thought I could learn what rest is. I thought God would teach me.
Some how, I knew deep down that He was with me and he would help me. I just didn’t know how or when, and that frustrated me. I wanted a way out! I couldn’t stand the way I was thinking! I knew all the right things to pray, think and do. It was the same advice I had been following and giving out for years. But, I felt couldn’t do it. Some people suggested “just pray” or “rest” or even, “start thinking positive thoughts again”. This made me feel even more helpless, they meant well, but I felt so flat. I felt I could not even do those things.
Finally, when I felt I was at my lowest, I mustered up the courage to pray. I whispered the only prayer I could, “help”.
Very slowly, in His timing and not mine, things in the world started to regain colour. I was lead to make some big changes in my life, like quitting the job I had. I spoke to Godly people whom I trusted, and spent time with God. I felt like God was showing me that my mindset needed to be altered.
I realised I had been doing “rest” wrong. (Yes… I think it’s possible) God knows what rest is. He knew we would need it, it says in Matthew, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest”(11:28, NLT) and “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…”(40:30-31a NIV). I don’t think the rest I needed was in “doing” more things or even stopping other things. Sure, rest should be relaxing and doing those other tasks rejuvenate and help us to look after our bodies, but I think the rest God speaks of is something else.
It’s actually love.
Crazy, I know.
As I read Psalm 23 and Romans 8, I’m reminded of God’s love. Resting in the green pastures, walking by the quiet streams, is more about being in His love, in His presence or creation. Rest is knowing you could do absolutely nothing today and God will still love you. This scares me, overwhelms and comforts me. However, I think this is exactly what His love is meant to be like. It explains in Psalms 103, “As high as the sky is above the earth, so great is his love for those who honor him” (11, GNT). His love is massive and overwhelming and we little humans can sometimes, for a number of reasons find it difficult to fathom. I think, now, that this is what life is, to learn this very sentence; I am loved.
You are loved.
This is what God has showed me rest should be like. God teaching us , and showing us how vast his love is. It’s this knowledge that brings me rest, and I want to know it even more. I’m not going to lie, it is really hard to accept this perfect grace and love. We aren’t perfect, and “whilst we were still sinners, Jesus dies for us” (Romans 5:8). This shows me that he’s going to keep loving us too. I constantly battle with the idea that I’m not worthy. It blows my mind, but let it sink in for you too, and you might just start to be able to rest easier. It’s going to be a journey , but that is what life is.
Here is my new ‘to do’ list:
To Do:
#1 Dedicate my whole life to falling more in love with Him and allowing myself to rest in His love.
My prayer for me and for you has been laid out in Ephesians, (thanks Paul)
“that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:17-19 NIV).
Stay tuned to see what life looks like post teaching ☀️
Eden X
swedenmay 